Back to Normal

With the return of my (now) fiancé from a year abroad, I got many questions about my health status. Were my migraines decreasing? Did I feel a lot better? And in a way I had expected to see big changes as well, the peace of mind and excitement of his being home banishing migraines to a dusty corner of my brain. Unfortunately though, I had to answer each time as if I was delivering bad news to them, facing looks of disappointment and frustration that barely parallel my own: “no, the migraines are still sticking around,” “It’s great to be back in the same country with him but the migraines haven’t disappeared.”

I am now in the midst of wedding planning, always having invitations, flowers, and bands lingering on my mind. And though this is a very happy time, it is no different from other days and weeks of months of my life. I have migraines while thinking about menus, I had a migraine while looking at wedding halls, I ended registering with a migraine, and I get a migraine when I look at a computer screen, so guest list spreadsheets are no help either!

There is a disconnect between such a happy time and a chronic health problem. It’s hard to remember that even though you might be beyond happy, physiologically your system is still wired in a way that produces ‘unhappy’ results. In my case, migraines come in waves, with good weeks and bad weeks, good months and bad months. It just so happens that the past two weeks, while very happy and exciting, were filled with daily migraines. And it becomes exhausting and frustrating.

You don’t get to put your migraines aside when it’s convenient. You don’t get to select what you miss because of migraines. And this has a really strong emotional impact. How do you blend the happiness of an engagement with pain that won’t quit? It’s difficult to be handling this challenge while also accepting “congratulations”s and “Mazal tov”s, and thinking about wedding gowns. I want to be entirely happy and focused on the good, but have to stay in tune with the reality of my body and my health.

There is a strong correlation between sufferers of migraine (and in general chronic pain/chronic health conditions) and having difficulty with anxiety and depression. There is a sense of betrayal from one’s own body. You may be surrounded by balloons, drinking champagne, and thinking about cake flavors, but you’re also wondering when will the next migraine hit? Did you bring the right medication with you? I find that particularly happy times can be almost more difficult because there is a sense of mourning what I once was, or what I wish I could be again.

I think it is really important to allow yourself moments of quiet to acknowledge that you don’t feel well, and that’s not how you’d ideally like to celebrate. But it’s also crucial to focus on the moments when you’re feeling well, the ways in which you are able to express and feel your joy, and to know you will not be trapped in this pain forever.

Today’s tip:

• When traveling I find it really helpful to have two small toiletry bags- one with preventatives and one with abortives- so that you have easy access to your organized medication while on the road. Always keep your prescription medication in your carryon so it won’t get lost in transit!